I recently had the opportunity to speak to two different
groups about setting healthy boundaries.
The first group was the Pinelake Resevior Campus MOMs group and the
second was Mississippi Hands and Voices, an organization for parents of
children with hearing loss and and those who work with children with hearing
loss. I really enjoyed both of these experiences,
and in preparing I spent quite a bit of time learning and thinking about
healthy boundaries.
So what are boundaries? There are a multitude of complex
definitions out there, but to me setting healthy boundaries is just this-setting
some limits in your life in order to take care of yourself and protect the things
that matter most to you. There are tons
of areas where one will benefit from setting up some boundaries-boundaries with
yourself, boundaries with your relationships, boundaries with your finances,
and many more. Today I'm mainly writing about an area that is relevant to many people, boundaries with your
time.
We live in a world that is busy, busy, busy. No matter your stage of life, there is probably
a good chance that you have a lot going on.
Whether you are a student, working, a parent, or a combination of one or
more of these things, most people have to work hard to balance it all. And many of us spend a good bit of time
giving to others in some way-volunteering, helping out at your kid’s school or
with your kid’s activities, serving at church, helping others with their problems,
taking care of your family- the list of ways we can give of ourselves is
endless. Giving of yourself and your
time is a great thing! God calls us to be giving in so many ways. However, the problems start coming when we
give away so much of our time than we have none left to take care of ourselves. The combination of all of these things can
lead to a person feeling overwhelmed, in a constant rush, and like there isn’t
enough time in the day. It’s not bad to
be busy; in many ways busyness to a healthy extent is good for you. But if some of these things are happening,
you might be overdoing it:
·
You start to dread, or even feel bitter, about
your responsibilities or meetings.
·
You are overwhelmed and exhausted all the
time. Tasks that seem normal cause you
to feel like you might fall apart.
·
Your relationships seem out of control. You know some things need to change, but you
aren’t sure what.
·
Nothing feels fun, everything just feels like
another thing to check off your list.
The topic of boundaries comes up A LOT in counseling. For a lot of different reasons, many of us
just have trouble saying “I can’t do that this time," “I’m not going to be able
to make it," “I won’t be able to help with that," or the really difficult one “NO."
I have trouble with it myself. Sometimes
I just have a hard time telling people no if they need my help. Even if I know I don’t have time, even if the
request is a little ridiculous, I just have a hard time saying no if someone
needs me. Sometimes I end up making my
life difficult because I say yes to too many good things. Because too many good things is still too
many things!
What I’ve come to learn from counseling and from my own life
is this: We are in no way made to do it all.
If we don’t have any boundaries in our lives, we eventually become
overwhelmed, exhausted, and probably grouchy.
A lack of healthy boundaries can make life seem out of control and can
lead to stress, anxiety, depression, relationship problems, and can ultimately steal
joy from you and keep you from being the person you’re trying so hard to
be.
So how do you begin to set some boundaries? Here are some
basic ideas that can be good starting points:
·
Set aside some specific time each day to spend
relaxing the way you relax best. Maybe
this time can be right after work, maybe it’s while your kids are napping, or
maybe you’ll have to get up a little earlier or stay up a little later to do it. Figure out what works for you and be
protective of that time.
·
Consider your priorities and the way that you
spend your time. Does the way you spend
your time really represent what is most important to you? Are you doing some
things out of a sense of obligation that you don’t feel particularly called to
or enjoy? Make a list of your activities and responsibilities. Some
things you probably have to do, but does anything need to go?
·
DO NOT compare your busyness to other peoples!
Comparison is a game that you will always lose.
Besides, you can’t ever know what is really going on in another person’s
heart or home.
·
If you do decide you need to set some limits in
certain areas or with certain people, share your thoughts with a trusted friend
who will help hold you accountable to your decision.
·
Remember, setting boundaries is not bad or
mean! It’s something that you have to do
in order to keep yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically healthy.
These are just a few of my thoughts on boundaries, but there
is so much information available on this topic! Please let me know if you have
any questions or if I can point you to any resources.
Thanks for Listening,
Whitney
